Two Years.

Well, it has been almost been two years since my diagnosis.  I remember because my two oldest girls were away on their annual youth group mission trip to Mexico during Spring break. I didn't want to tell them the results of my spinal tap until they were home.  So many things have changed since that day.  And thankfully, many things are still the same.
During the time of my diagnosis, my husband was facing a very hard reality of his own.  He had been suffering from nerve pain in his hand/arm for over eight years. He knew that he could soon be facing the end of his dental career.  After visiting over a dozen specialists in the Pacific Northwest and undergoing several surgeries, there was still no relief.  No cure.  We had sold our dream home and  moved into a wonderful bank-owned home at a fraction of the cost. We met with a private disability agent. After eight years of suffering, he was finally taking a serious look at quitting. The next day, in an effort to work out some of my fear, anxieties and sadness for my husband, I put in my favorite Tae Bo workout dvd.  I punched and kicked and sweat my heart out.  Then I stood in the hot shower and cried and cried and cried. My legs went numb and felt heavy and paralyzed.  Then my arms.  My heart was racing and I couldn't control my emotions.  I stumbled out of the shower, wrapped up in a towel, grabbed the phone and laid down in the hallway to call Jack. Jack, who had enough to deal with.  Jack who was fighting his own battle.  Jack,  my provider, protector, care giver. A few weeks later, Jack, who after finding out that I had M.S. decided he couldn't quit. He wouldn't. There was too much unknown ahead of us. Besides the fact that we had four children to raise, college, weddings, bills, medical expenses.....
And so, for over a year, he worked through the increasing pain in his arm as he helped me deal with my "new normal".  He slept about three or four hours each night.  Seeing his overwhelming discomfort, fatigue and frustration day after day,  I told him that we just needed to know from God if he was supposed to quit. We would be bold and ask God to make the pain soooo unbearable that he knew WITHOUT A DOUBT that it was the right thing to do. Be careful, you just might get what you pray for!  Within a few days, Jack described his pain like dipping his arm in a trough full of gasoline and someone lighting a match.  Zero hours of sleep. Zero relief. Zero doubt....it was time.
And now, here we sit.  Jack is tired.  His shoulder is on fire tonight.  He can't sleep so he is reading a book called, "Managing Pain Before It Manages You".  My hair is still wet and I am tired from teaching a swim lesson. But, I'm happy to be able to swim and able to contribute and able to show my kids that you don't let your limitations defeat you, but it's ok to let them soften you a bit.  I am happy that although some things have changed, many things are still the same. Although my husband is no longer a dentist,  he is still a wonderful provider, protector, care giver. Although we are living a little differently, we are raising our kids, sending them to college, paying bills...looking ahead to those amazing weddings. And we are still looking to God for answers.  In a few weeks, it will be Spring break and Jacqueline will leave for Mexico. She will be building a home for someone who doesnt have one.  I feel blessed.  She will be engaging with people who exude joy despite the pain of poverty. I am inspired.