The Can List

I always liked the idea of a "Bucket List". From time to time I have thought about all of the things I would like to do before my final day...assuming it is far off in the distance at 89 (the age of my maternal grandmother) to 102 (the age of my paternal grandmother). But these past few years have changed my perspective a great deal on how many opportune years I might actually have available to accomplish small feats to big adventures. After all, Aunt Marge is along for the ride. The possibilities seem to be countered by the potential impossibilities that could loom closer than I think. With M.S., it feels like dreaming is a gamble. Right now, the battle feels more in the mind than in the body. It feels like this is the critical point in the journey.

Every morning, with no cure in sight and over 900  used needles in the red sharp's container on my bathroom counter,  I am aware that I am going to die with this disease. The question is, "Am I going to LIVE with it?"  Sometimes, when my head hurts and I feel like there's an earthquake raging inside my body, I'm tempted to stay in the bed, forget the swim, forget the to-do list, forget the needs of others, forget the small feats and  big adventures. But, thankfully, I still have the cognitive ability and a higher power to fight the apathy. I know that every day is a practice for the next. The more I practice getting up and going when I CAN see, the easier it will be for me if I get up one day and CANT.  If I practice determination while I CAN walk, the easier it will be if I wake up someday after a lesion decides to locate on my spinal cord rather than on another obscure crease in my grey matter...and I CANT. I have also found myself in peculiar situations that have encouraged me, humbled me, inspired me, broken my heart and taught me a great deal more than I had counted on. I will write more about that in my next blog.

For now, let's just say that I have dismissed The Bucket List and am forging ahead with The Can List. Death could be 50 years away. My inability to use my fingers to strum the guitar could be only 10 years away. So, I signed up for guitar lessons last month...while I CAN. My inability to drive my dream car with legal vision might only be 20 years away. So, I will drive the black Jag with tan interior while I CAN. My inability to remember and organize my thoughts might only be 15 years away. So, I will write down the things that I have learned and want to share with my children while I CAN. These are a few of the items on my Can List. But daily, I think about how I want to spend my hours. I think about what matters to me. I think about what I CAN offer.  My inability to safely hold a baby and walk confidently across a room may be only 5 years away...so I will hold and bounce and walk the babies in my life while I CAN. My inability to get in and out of the pool could only be 7 years away, so I will get in and pass on my love for swimming to the next generation while I CAN.

 This is how I want to live with Aunt Marge. She doesn't drag me back..she is pushing me forward. She is teaching me what matters. She is the friend who is more concerned about telling me what I need to hear instead of what I want to hear.  Not that I am doing it perfectly or even admirably. I'm simply doing it. I'm practicing it. I'm getting up...because I CAN. I'm certainly not ready to kick the Bucket.